The "Off-Course" golf cartoons by Sean Hoy change about once a week. A book featuring a collection of his best is available on his website.
The "Life In theTrap" golf cartoon changes about twice a month. Check with us often.
Golf Jokes
Contributed by the readers of On The Green Magazine.
Contibutors Needed! Have you heard a good golf joke lately? E-mail it to On The Green, include the author if you know it, and your own name if you would like a "contributed by" credit.
2 priests are having lunch. One priest says to the other priest, "I have sinned. I have used profanity." Startled, the other priest tells him it might be ok in reference to the text it was used. He tells him that he was playing golf. The following conversation ensued...
Priest 1: Well, I drove the ball 350 yards right onto the green and right next to the cup.
Preist 2: You used profanity for that?
Priest 1: No. Just as I was walking up to putt, a bird swooped down and picked up my ball,
carried it off, and dropped it in the pond.
Priest 2: So then you used profanity?
Priest 1: No. Then a huge snapping turtle came out of the pond with my ball and dropped it almost in the same spot it had landed in the first place.
Priest 2: Well, you must have said whatever you said then?
Priest 1: No. Then this twister came, I ran, and when I came back my ball was gone again.
Priest 2: You got to be kidding? I would have sworn then. Did you?
Priest 1: No. Then that same bird came back and he had my ball in its mouth and dropped it back on the green, 6 inches from the hole. So i ran up to the ball so I could knock it in...
Priest 2: Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt...
Her Diary
We played golf together today.
On the way home conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed but he kept quiet and aloof.
I asked him what was wrong.
He said nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there watching the golf channel. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed, about ten minutes later he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
After I took my makeup off, I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
His Diary
Awful day at the golf course today!
Shot a 94 - can't putt worth a damn!
Got lucky though.
- Contributed by Hal Kupchak
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your dog died."
"My dog? - Dead? - The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that dog. What did he die from?"
"From eating spoiled meat, Senor"
"Spoiled meat? Who the hell fed him spoiled meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"Your thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart"
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"What funeral?!"
"Your brother's, Senor... He showed up one night out of the blue and I thought he was a thief, so I hit him with your new Taylormade Driver."
silence . . . .
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver you're in deep shit!!!"
- Contributed by Hal Kupchak
Two of my young buddies, Mark and Ron called and said they wanted to play golf on Sunday morning. All three of us knew it would take some special manoevering to convince our ladies to let us do it but we all agreed to try.
On Sunday morning everyone arrived at the course at 7:00AM.
Mark said, "I had to take my lady out to dinner to get here guys."
Ron said, "That's nothing. I had to endure dinner and the opera to get out here today and the opera lasted four hours!!!"
I said, "Youth is wasted on the young. I didn't have to do anything to get here."
Mark and Ron were amazed.
Mark said, "Tell us your secret."
I said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning, at 6:00AM, I looked my wife straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or intercourse?"
She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"
- Contributed by Hal Kupchak
Father Phelan was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course. It was an obsession.
It was 4:00AM on Sunday morning and it looked like it would be a picture-perfect day for golf. The sun was rising, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was pleasant and rising.
The good Father couldn't resist. He called a Parish assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not say Mass, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where he felt no one would know him. He was first there and first out by himself, another good break.
Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching Father Phelan and was quite perturbed.
He went to God and said, "Have a look at Father Phelan. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement.
After a double on the first hole, the good Father teed up on the second. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 260 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "I did. Think about it; who can he tell?" - Contributed by Hal Kupchak
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive.
He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation...
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last hole, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.
"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks.
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."
Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
A golfer in Ireland hit a bad slice into the woods. Looking for His ball, he discovered a leprachaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his bag and helped the little fellow to drink, eventually reviving him.
"Arrgh! Wha Happen?" the leprachaun asked.
After the golfer's explanation, the little fellow continued, "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square so ye gets three wishes. Whaddya want?"
"Thank God you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're okay and I apologise. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice man," the leprachaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I suspect he would most likely covert, a great golf game, all the money he needs and a great sex life."
A year goes by and the golfer is back, hits another hideous slice into the same woods and finds the leprachaun waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye slice in here. I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"That's the first bad ball I"ve hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer replies. "By the way, it's good to see you're alright"
"Oh I"m fine, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. Now tell me, how's yer money?"
"Why I win huge amounts playing golf but if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 notes all day long."
I did that fer ye too. Now, how's yer sex life.?
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment and says shyly,"Err, alright, I suppose."
"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job with the third wish. How many times a day.?"
Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What!" exclaims the leprachaun, obviously shocked, "Is that all? Once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, " I thought that wasn't too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
A fellow has been stranded on a deserted island for 10 years, and this one fine day while relaxing on the beach, he looks out onto the water and notices something different, but can't quite make it out, he keeps looking and wonders to himself ...Is that a ship .....maybe a boat .....no I think it's a raft......then out of the water comes this beautiful blonde in a scuba diving suit and walks right up to him and says " When was the last time you had camel cigarette.....and he say's...." 10 long years ago".....and she unzips her wet suit and reaches in and pulls out a waterproof container and gives him a smoke. Then she looks at him and say's " When was the last time you had a drink of scotch....he say's " 10 long years ago "......she unzips her wet suit a little further and reaches in and pulls out a flask and gives it to him. Well now he's sitting there all smiles puffing on his smoke and drinking scotch and she slides right over and uzips her wet suit down to her navel and say's " When was the last time you played around......and he say's " Your kidding me, you got a set of clubs in there too !" - Contributed by W. C. Bistritan
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the
University of Georgia. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how
much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings." - Contributed by Bart DeForrest
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft." The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?" The pro says, "Lack Of Fricking Talent."
18 REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX
18 - You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
17 - If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf.
15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
14 - Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.
13 - It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
12 - When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
11 - If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
9 - When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
7 - You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite coworkers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
6 - There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
5 - If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
4 - Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
3 - Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game. 2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
1 - Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"
The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes," replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" - Contributed by Bart DeForrest
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!
Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a PetroL Station in Cork during his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is, "Top o the morning to you young fella!" As Tiger leans over to get out of the car two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "What are dey son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods. "And what would dey be for then?" enquires the Irish man. "They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger Woods. "Jaysus", says the Irish man, "Dem boys at Volvo just tink of everyting!"
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